Poetry First!: THE HOUSE OF EQUALS!

The House of Equals!

LAW OF ATTRACTION

Defiance…

Referred to as;

A resistance when responding or reacting.

To Be Against or Opposing.

RESULTS!

ONE NIGHT IN YELLOW EASTER!

FAST ASLEEP!

CLASPED FEET!

PROPELLERS AT THE WINDOW!

ONE DAY IN BLUE JUNE,

OPEN AIR…

AND FOOD!

Oranges Blueberries!

Entrances!

Long Legs!

Colours Shoes and feet!

THEY SAID;

"It's not about you".

THEN WHY DID IT HAPPEN OUT OF TOWN TOO?

The above poem translates a moment of sudden change. Admittedly the true meaning behind my poetry probably only makes sense to me. I share it as an example of a personal forms therapeutic creative release, and as description of the scenery behind the headlined subject!

Mixing the years of frustration experiencing and ongoing events, an aspect of frustration is released into a pen sketch journal entry with a large cup - filled. Includes date of entry, and cause of entry.

Tackling Defiance

Delving into the cause and effect as I recall difficult areas of life experience behind defiance. As well as realising the law of attraction,

Everything else seems ‘happy’ when you have been abused. This bears directly on trust and the decisions you make, or will make!

Though never formally assessed as having defiance disorder. Self-observation tells me, I cannot deny an association with; Camp Defiance!

Growing up against a back drop of supposed tough love, which felt more like out right daily assault! The words I love you was never heard in a way that could be felt, eventually becoming of little value.

Young bodies become the venue of inappropriate touch.

Resistance

Becomes a natural reaction and response.

Rudeness!

Stubbornness!

Become full time

Characteristics!

Like chores and jobs!

As someone living with experiences of bouts of defiance. I can testify to it feeling like my worst enemy and my best friend!

That best friend-who will always jump to my defence.

The worst enemy-who disguises itself in unapproachability!

The space of defiance feels like having an out of body experience. It is like watching yourself in third person. It feels like being present, but not as yourself. Active-conscious in the moment, in a helpless way.

There have been times, when I have been absolutely terrified of myself as I responded and reacted defiantly, remaining haunted even traumatised as a result!

Over time I have found myself dreading the onset of defiance. I became conscious, aware, eventually very sensitive to feeling completely out of control and taken over involuntarily.

Due to my dread of the onset of defiance, I was able to start to build up more resistance to it, only over time. But unfortunately not enough to stop it!

However, being able to allow a defiant reaction or response to emerge, had its pay offs!

Though my defiance scared me! It continued as my best friend as it scared others off of me, and away from my life!

The feelings of resistance that started to emerge toward feelings of defiance. Enabled me to find the strength to confront the helpless way it had always controlled me into feeling.

The feelings of resistance allowed me to see choice. I started to question why I allowed defiance.

Once I questioned all my feelings. I observed a sense of relaxed freedom that created a new sense of space from defiance. I had tried to confront defiance as a demon before. Somehow, this time I managed to negotiate myself to a different level of understanding. I was at a difference place in life which had different needs and demands.

I was no longer content with finding myself in defiance mode. I was searching for a way out which meant I had to see it for what it was for me.

What struck me was realising the speed of the onset of defiance. Living in fast paced situations such as constant abuse and arguments, there can be little time to recover or heal before the next abusive moment is upon you.

Therefore, the tiny space I found within resistance is where the shift in my prospective toward defiance started.

There were no guarantees of permanent change from the behaviour pattern. The shift was the beginning of gaining enough ground in between the onsets, until I could eventually find a better replacement. Other than allowing defiance to have precedence as part of my personnel representation!

However, defiance has never emerged without cause and effect!

It has roots!

As a young child it was the learned reaction, and response to those who sort to take advantage of my young body, and persist in taunting me through my formative years. In those times, I saw it as the only way I had to defend myself against adults, and anyone else who would perceive my body as an object, and my life

as worthless. It was survival!

I was not to be aware of the levels of self-destruction that would come into my life as a result of that survival technique, neither was I aware of the opportunities for self-construction either.

Of course once a stalking campaign became an active part of my life again.

Defiance emerged becoming part of a protective decisions making process, acting like an involuntary self-defence mechanism.

Even though I lived with negotiating my own defiant behaviour patterns, while trying to heal from the reasons why. I equally have dealt with the exact same behaviour in others!

As individuals we all have parts of ourselves and lives, which are important and valuable for us to protect. Regardless of the value of that part of our lives is to other people. Defiance often emerges in those areas.

Because I have received defiance from others. I can understand how people who are less aware of the reasons and process behind behaviours, feel. Especially when faced with the speed of a response, or reaction that is unexpected!

It would not be wrong for anyone to see it as unnecessary! Or be insulted by a response of defiance! The content of defiance can be filled with absolute belligerence, and the flippancy aspect can be very frustrating, and at times funny. As the know it all, that cannot always see him, or herself.

It is how defiance deals with external, and internal reality.

I would have probably succumb to what is known as the seedier side of life, as a result of the abuses of my early years, and would have probably put up with much more in life consequently, had I not been very defiant, and rebellious. Finding a certain amount of comfort, in being seen as an unapproachable!

I watched myself, as my defiance levels continued to rise to scary levels as the effects of coming under the sudden attention of something, or someone.

Even though I was aware it was my responsibility how I reacted or responded in any given situation, defiance would arise and remain, blindsiding all I knew about personal responsibility, as I did not know how far the stalking campaign would go!

The effects of that level of abuse does not go away in a hurry, unfortunately.

These lasting effects are probably why some stalkers use such shock methods to stalk, and use others to help create a shock value to someone’s life.

There is an entertainment value in watching somebody going through, “I don’t know who or why?!

I translate my frustration by venting via a pen sketch journal entry. Which refers to ‘attacking the beauty of my back’ despite challenges faced, self-esteem remained at a good level, even though it did not always feel like it did. The design of the unspooling hair could as well serve as a reference to experiencing trauma!

It was important to me in life to find some kind of understanding for things in life.

It was no different as I went on to process the experience of stalking, especially dealing with it happening to me for the second time.

Even though I knew stalking needed no excuses or reason. Once it started to relate to murky areas of childhood, I knew I had to find a way to do my best and try to understand why I was not attracting the experiences with people, I really wanted.

Stalking can relate to relationship issues, as well as misconceptions, about opportunities for a relationship to occur.

The second stalking campaign showed up in my life, just as I was about to deal with the area of my life relating to relationships, and as to why I had not really made an effort to prioritised that area. It was obvious it was an area of life that needed work from my self-administered therapy program. I felt I had not properly formulated over the years. However, due to this being a gap area of my life, being stalked, it was an area of my life that was perceived as wide open for rumour, and false claims!

I grew up without TV due to the house of religious belief. I was first introduced into verse and phrase reading and writing as part of learning biblical text, which help me develop my poetry. There was religious music, or classical to listen too, and learn to play, and there were 2 or 3 acceptable radio stations, as part of secular entertainment, allowed.

I would describe my early life as strict, ritualised by abuse, regimented by the religion. Despite my defiance I remained quite obedient, never running away from home, never had a boyfriend. My defiant break outs were generally stacked in the area of justice, and freedom against abusive mind sets.

By the time I was a teenager, which can be a painful time for anyone regardless of gender or social circumstances. I had to face up to what early abuse would mean for me in life, as I grew into young womanhood. It near crippled me socially with feelings of shame, but that is where defiance stepped in as a cover, or humour!

Social life was forced. There was little choice in the way of what I as an individual, would need, so as not be an awkward misfit!

Most of my teenage dreams where filled with the need to leave home, knowing I could survive, if not for the fact I had no grasp of money, or understanding of maths.

I did not care about education, when I first started my teenage stint of it all. Right when I needed to pay attention. My focus was on not wanting to get myself beaten up!

Needless to say, I ended up finding myself in some kind of argument, which led to me being attacked from behind one day as I queued outside a classroom. Feeling as though I was being bounced off the school corridor walls, probably to howling laughter, and much banter, ripping my favourite sky blue windcheater jacket!

The incident got me suspended from school, and made to stay home. Which eventually was worse than the fight itself. Such was the result of all my efforts to avoid being beaten up again!

As a teenager, I could not see my need for avoidance developing into a continual life pattern, which would lead me to where I did not want be, or who I did not want to be around!

I was not short of friends at that time in my life, even though at times considered different. I knew how to be a decent, there for you, kind of friend. I had a sense of humour which helped, and could play the annoying idiot to fit into a group, or get kicked out!

Outside of attending school and church events, or activities. Socialising was further controlled by the activities of others. With little, and no pocket money to ever make an effect choice of preference. I was at the mercy of the choices of others.

The only other entertainment on offer outside of being forced to attend church, was being forced to attend military performance music festivals, until I was old enough to choose not too. If my memory serves me correctly, I think those tickets were complimentary.

Later, military aviation became a crowd interest. I could bum a day out with whoever was paying, to get away from being stuck at home. I developed a form of geek hood as a teenager as a plane spotter! Fascinated by foreign destination.

In the late phase of teenage by my very character, I stood up to those who controlled my freedom, and was better able to spend time with friends, a lot easier.

Leaving school with no real recognisable qualification, for the time it was. Not being allowed to pursue my artistic ambitions, advised to take a course I did not prefer. Shortly after college was over. I was offered an opportunity, and left home, to support someone who was overcoming the assault of a stalking neighbour!

Some school associations remained in my life for a while, even after leaving home.

Sometime after becoming a parent, I made a decision to move on all together from those I knew.

Right or wrong despite who it would hurt. Even though I wished I did not have to hurt anyone. I felt I could not move on, maintaining certain relationships. Despite the help I did receive, I realised no matter what choices I would make, someone was going to get hurt, together or apart!

The freedom I chose was right for me as a parent. Giving me the room I needed to get strong. I became happy and confident in my ability to parent. It was a relief to be away from constant memories, and the constant influence.

When the memories did get tough. I found a way to self-refer to group therapy. The support and understanding was life changing for me, being believed and understood was huge. It changed everything for me. Listening to other people who had been through worse than me, or who were further down the road in overcoming their experiences, was enlightening.

I realised how fortunate I was than most. Throughout all my negative life experiences deep down, in my self-talk somehow, I always remained positive. Regardless of what I went through, I would always remind myself, that I was always there for myself.

I lived in my imagination once I found it!

“She daydreams out of the window most of the time”. Became part of at least one teenage school report.

My imagination was my safe place. Once left to my own devices to visit the local library to choose my own literature. I would make my selection of romance novels, then sneak my choices back home. My choices were considered secular and even smutty by the religious standards of the house.

I was riveted and fascinated by the description of characters, especially the ones described as aloof, not knowing why.

The lifestyles of the characters described would fascinate me, and fill me with hope of the type of life I could create for myself. It served my imagination well.

Due to abuse experiences. My sense of relationships was obviously warped. Novels opened me up to ideas of how I could create my own freedom, as well as other ways of behaving and communicating around people which did not have to be hurtful, or humiliating.

Romance novels opened my eyes to a sugar coated view of traditional romance that led to supposed happy marriage. I grew up in a marriage that did not resemble anything I read about, eventually growing out of those novels. With an imagination strengthened by creativity of what I had read.

I was not always a constant reader, but I would go through intense periods of seeking, and had the ability to take the best from all my experiences.

From religion I understood, that if one person or thing could be created in an undefined way. There had to be more than the world we could see, touch or name. There was more than a deity, or maybe any concept of the heavens.

Knowledge help me let go.

I held unto my daydreams of a better life, always believing I was destined for more than the scrap heap predicted. I just did not know it was called, manifestation.

Strength Master!

Your calling or purpose in life, will rise or fall to meet you at your level in life. Personal Self-belief. Translating belief into pen sketch as part of my free flow journal writing!

I find this form of journalling very peaceful. Easy flow. Somehow, imagining forms of unconditional universal love in creating a visual, again created a depth of relief. Intense negativity created intense positivity.

RECOGNITION

OF OTHER

DEFIANT POSITIONS!

When faced with difficulties within the housing system and in the area I was living in at the time, where I realised I was being stalked again. Having tried to nip the trouble in the bud, and move on.

Feeling like I was effectively being asked to stand by quietly, while my personal life was being destroyed, allowing others to treat me as the problem for raising concerns.

I made the decision to move away and keep myself to myself, by this time the situation affected my work position. I owed money on the rent so had to stay in the system. I could almost count the number of people I spoke to on almost one finger.

I continued to develop the quietest life I could, and still! Was not left alone by the system.

Knowing I had little chance of moving away from all the trouble. I felt very defiant towards those who worked in system.

As the defiance of others continued. Not allowing myself, and others to live in peace. Worst of all, seeming to be participating in the antics at official level, maybe wittingly, or unwittingly.

Whether that was partly due to a lack of training, or due to enjoyment. It seemed power games where big on whatever the agenda was, at that time!

Sadly, it is only too usual for the stealth of a stalker, to make it near impossible for anyone to understand or recognise the one effected.

I was beyond frustrated with what was blatantly obvious to me, not being as obvious to others, or they acted as if it was not.

As a result, my responses were typically defiant, and even rude.

During the time of escalating troubles, I preferred to be communicated with in writing, given the nature of the problems!

Which appears like

another example of defiance again, raising its head as a scary response, and not the not the most helpful form of self- defence. I was really concerned at the time, about being lured into situations, where I could possibly be attacked, or confronted by those who supported, whosoever stalked. By now, concerned the man that had originally stalked me, had a presence in the area I was living in. I remained defiant.

Yet again, the pay off for me, was reducing the amount of people who could approach me. I was tired by that time, negotiating a weakening in my health. I did not need any hassle while I was figuring out how I was going to heal, and survive such a mess!

It is what it was!

Moving on, not so swiftly!

TAKING A BREAK TO MAKE IT ALL VERY SILLY!

From; Mr & Mrs Havenomercy

1650 Whydoyouthink Fleece.

Railagainst Obstination

Doublegangers.

Liberation

LH19

Dear Mr & Mrs Time Flown,

The Left Wrongable of Thickoverstupid of Odd City Limits. Has asked me to inquire, if you are aware of the following;

Working it into the defiance?

Pots-strokes-currency houses!

He who very loudly asked his questions about;

Forty three shillings!

Allowed fences.

Attempted embarrassment.

Paper blown.

The used.

Slipped into the auto queue!

Dizzy steps.

Who knew?

Mirth!

Cream shirts.

Innocents affected by fools.

Preferred the stupid you!

Of which I could have spent all day long fooling.

Trickery aimed at incisions in threads.

Targeted heads!

Previous kind regards

Mr Gullible Beds.

From; Divided by Hell.

No longer residing at the DE stabled fork!

Poetry is used as a creative way of combining and releasing the impact of memories. Memories can often be repetitive in their return regardless of content. I have found once I changed events mentally. It lessened the impact of a traumatic feeling of the memory, changing the return of the memory. Allowing humour to remain rather than the pain!

For some reason, creating from events, or things I may of at one time, found frustrating, or painful. Dipping into the very silly side of my nature, really helps me to diminish, or let go of it.

You may get lucky in life, surviving any couple of episodes of abuse to be able to negotiate away from it.

But the truth is, regardless of what form abuse takes. It is better to recognise it at the level it is, and try to process it at every level it can be recognised, be it having an emotional, psychological, or even clinical effect! Be that within daily function, or something else. The effects of abuse in life are best faced, and excavated.

Automatic suppression and oppression of abuse, and the abused.

Does not hides the truth.

It illuminates it!

EXCAVATING!

If the choice can be made to recognise abuses, and the effects, and in turn the further choice be made to process the effects effectively, by recognising personal responsibility, for changing how you respond, or react to abuse. Or if the abuser, it maybe best to question the feeling, of the need to abuse.

Identifying with your position in the face of abuse. May well be the difference between saving yourself the pain of going through the same pain over and over again, and causing the same pain, over and over again, in the future.

Some abusers can be in as much pain-if not more, than who they inflict their pain on!

It is said that hardships, (“life’s lessons”) tend to repeat, and may even increase in their destructive value, if not observed, or recognised when they first appear.

(I should know!)

To be able to honour the process pain of which defiance is one. Life is best lived by paying attention within any painful process.

(Easier written than lived.)

However, it can be only be to easy to forget what you have been through, once you are over it all and onto a good time. Which is why the same life lessons return in different disguises. Little recognised as the same pain re-emerging!

If understanding can be brought to the origins of the painful process, then within that understanding, which depends on personal capacity, the introduction of forgiveness may be able to begin.

Where there has been pain filled responses, forgiveness can be the best mind set to

adopt to enable that pain to go!

Whatever, wherever, or whoever the pain came from; Employment, or employer, any random person, or event, family, or family member, husband, lover, ex, passed, present, or living, friend, acquaintance, associate, absolute stranger, or neighbour/s!

Whatsoever, whosoever, where ever the need to stop the pain, applies too.

Understanding the meaning of forgiveness, as a process of letting go, who, or what has hurt you. Without that being confrontational. The effect on life can be enormous. Often in lack of forgiveness, again is the tension of defiance.

With forgiveness understood as a form of letting go, it is easier to live life not feeling constantly under attack, or got at!

Forgiveness seen as a process of letting go, does not mean weakness or defeat. Quite the opposite it. The level of freedom, and relief you can receive from forgiveness depends on personal capacity, and willingness to allow the good results to show up in your life.

Forgiveness can also be ongoing, moment to moment, practice.

The good thing about forgiveness is, that it is not attached to anything religious, or political!

It is independent, and very personal to the individual, and can be practised in absolute privacy, of your sense of being.

In my personal experience. Practising forgiveness, allowed me to gain access to a space within myself where I was previously beating up on myself, clearing the paths, allowing me to find deeper ways to love myself.

Abuse is all about one person, blaming you, for themselves.

Facing constant criticism over a duration of time, can be difficult for that criticism not to connect with weaker strengths. If faced with little and no references to distract, or detract, from weaker strengths. The criticism can spend much time festering into much more, than it need be.

I was very fortunate in life, in that I had very strong dreams and visualisations that shape me, even if on the surface I was connecting to negativity, the positive visualisation would emerge to urge me unto something else.

Criticism became a positive for me. After feeling so battered by the criticism of others, I began a journal entry ripping my own self to bits. Everything I hated about my weak strengths, that connected with others. I nearly could not stop, there was a lot to tear away! Instead of feeling like I no longer had the will to live, I actually felt stronger, having faced myself in that way.

LOST AND FOUND UNDERSTANDINGS OF THE LAW OF ATTRACTION!

With the best will in the world to move on in life, career, and business. The way ahead has to be physically clear, to be able to function in emotionally clarity. Allowing mind, body, soul, and spirit to form a coalition, to manifest and create a better way of life, for you.

Attending yet another business seminar, fed up of myself, and my repeat patterns. Feeling despondent that I had not been able to be as successful in other areas, as I hoped I would be.

At the height of the stalkers grooming, life was feeling, and becoming very restrictive. Which filled me with even higher levels of destructive forms of defiance, stacked in the area of communication, just at the time I needed to network for business purposes, needless to say, that did not happen.

When stalking is not just one on one, and becomes highly organised, organisational though usually under the direction of one person, the methods of stealth can be unbearably frustrating. I could recognise those that supposedly just ‘happened’ to be at the seminar, a relative of a former possessive supposed friend, from teenage years was among at least one of them.

At the time of the seminar, it just felt like they were those there too enable the experience to be uncomfortable, and even distracting.

A lady participated in the open forum style seminar, by offering us all some advice.

She stated that in order to be successful in business. For things to work out consistently, you would have to make sure the people around you were supportive and positive. Negative people or things in your life, would inevitably be destructive.

Which was the truth, I had been successful. Only so far though. Until negative folks stepped in.

My understanding of the law of attraction, for a while became blurred. Especially, once I decide to take the blame others wanted me too!

The advice given in that seminar, added to my frustration when trying to get on in life. At times, dealing with people, some of who were groomed, or conditioned to treat me a certain way.

My frustration grew when within the stalking campaign, I realised the grooming had got to the point, I could not have a proper conversation without realising there was a grooming, in what was being said. There developed a very pre-emptive style to the stalking, which meant if I needed to go door to door selling, guaranteed the stalker may well get to where I wanted to go, before me.

My life was no longer authentic, or natural.

Everything in my environment was becoming forced again.

I began stepping out of the blame others wanted me to feel.

It had all led me right back to a childhood memories. One of which I remembered, was wanting to play, not wanting to do chores, and being told within the house I lived in ‘playing’ did not happen. In the moments that followed of just wanting to play, saw me being knocked clean out. It was unintentional. The memory reminded me, that it is possible to be stopped. Important to remember once faced with circumstances of ongoing denial. Even though my ambition of that moment was to just play. In my human, and civil rights, I had the right to just play, somebody else literally prevented that from happening, by physically knocking me down. How I survived that particular attack remains about force other than me, and anyone else involved!

The whole memory recall, served as a wakeup call. I knew I was not to blame for everything that was happening around. Like anyone I made mistakes, something was out of proportion.

Every moment of every day, positive advice and quotes are shared through social media. At motivational centres, and in many other venues and situations around the globe, advising us all how to get our envisioned success on track. Motivating us with ways to stop ourselves from being held back. All of which is only possible, if no one person, is not actually holding you down, or if one person is not employing, or engineering a group of people to thwart, and undermine your efforts in life, by infiltrating and trying to control everything, and everyone, around you. Or who you will have to deal with. Or deliberately making negative things happen, which they make look like, it is associated with you.

This type of negativity is prevalent in life, because it can be carried out so subtly. Especially, among the powerful, regardless of how they came about their sense of power.

Others people, do literally try and hold down other people.

The reason I laboured the point is because as I lived through, and absorbed all the blame of being abused more than once in life. I witnessed those who tried to layer my life with revenge tactics, pointing the finger at me for every mistake I had ever made, for which there is no doubt, there will be much more to come. As if those who accused were perfect, and without fault.

If for every level of abuse I had been through, considering how far back in my life it started, for me. If, I was to start taking revenge on others, and other people who had been through similar to me, and worse, and are still going through the worst in life, were to live lives of revenge, this world would be in more chaos and devastation, than it already is. There would be little progress toward the advancement of humanity, and civil rights.

Letting it all go!

Being allowed, to let it all go!

Is the best freedom there is!

Equally, it is very important to understand, and believe abuse experiences. The pain that creates abuse can show up in any disguise. The very rich. The very poor.

It has been painful, yet interesting thing life, observing how people do, and do not receive those of us who come from the messy, and uncomfortable side of life, known as abuse, and stalking experiences.

It can feel like you are easier ignored, than believed.

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Poetry Break!