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Sunday, 29 March 2020

I Just Wanted to do Sundays!

I wanted to do Sundays
You know....
Proper Sundays
I live in East London for goodness sake
I wanted to be able to do Sundays
I wanted to be able to do Sundays
Wear the Sunday pile
Don't people dress different on Sundays?
What might be or turn out as the fluffy miss matched socks and other clothes bundle just found at the back of the cupboard and slung together before for going out
(Pre-corona virus lockdown-03/2020)
I had wanted to do Sundays
Flowers in rustic markets
Breakfast and a cheese toastie
Then for lunch
The best meatless meal ever?
Crispy fried eggs
Red Sauce...and baked till fried red skinned potatoes which crisp together into a large rosti without actually being the actual recipe because they had been cooked in preheated oil in the oven
I wanted to do Sundays
A proper Sunday
Filled with release and freedom
Reflective of carefree living
Which gives room to the freedom for personal  responsibility to be taken giving rise to the motivation needed to overcome the constant undercurrent of subtle taunts and attacks of someone else's selfish jealous dis-ease and lies about what they thought you ought to have become.

I wanted to do Sundays
I wanted to do what Sundays means to me!
I just wanted to do Sundays!
I am just so thankful and so grateful to just be able to do Sundays as me!

Natural Flowism
A Freedom of Being!

Friday, 27 February 2015

RECOVERY-Poetry Last! (the pen sketch journals)

Minutes from last meeting...

Law of attraction!
              A lot of closed eyes! 
 there was a good turn out from.........

 The Fictional Faces Committee!
A perfect medium for this art!
Baritone women!
 Soprano men!
I feel like I opened a bag of crystals
A can of worms!

Something had gone very wrong within my belief system.  I had always belief in of such things like the law of attraction. I had always believed very strongly in my ability and capacity to accept change. I had the faith and strength of intention to turn negative into positive. I had learned that my behaviour did not have to define me, nor did it have to define the next person. I understood especially from my early life experience, that behaviour is so transient.

If your are in a relationship. 
Things can be in loving between you, as you enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company and flesh, gesticulation can be tender and non-threatening. Caressing and affectionate. Then within a split second, that same tender caressing gesticulation, can turn into argument, or fight with waving hands and threatening fists, with violent impact on the flesh. What was a soft spoken loving tender use of words one minute, in the next minute becomes words used to insult and degrade. One form of behaviour and communication leaves you feeling like the best person in the world, the other like the worst!

Learning behaviour did not necessarily have to define anyone’s whole life story, or reputation. Meant coming from abuse, it was possible to build a whole new life.
                   Inspired by the workings of  Spiritualism!                      
(Loud's Surreal impressions!)


The term law of attraction is not something I remember knowing as a child, or teenager. I knew the term soul, and was more acquainted with referring to something that would, or would not, give with my spirit. The term spirit, was then used in reference to a deity to worship, and may have further referred to the connection to a universal mind that is for the good of everyone. My introduction to the term spirit, came from growing up connected to a religious community, a religion, I refused to convert too!

The personal understanding I now have regarding the law of attraction; is of it being a neutral creative source. Creating with the positive, and the negative. The good, and the badly behaved person! 
The law of attraction refuses nothing, or no one! It is an all-round central force of energy for use by all of human kind. I understand this force as something that works very closely with the power of intention. To me I understand them as working together as a collaborative - a partnership, with the power of intention serving as a momentous directive to the law of attraction! As I understand it, intention is what dictates the direction of whether the law of attraction is employed for good reasons, or for other means.

Even though I had developed a strong awareness, and personal practice of the law of attraction. Which enabled me as a parent, and individual, to make great strides in overcoming my past, to create a better future for my family, as a parent! It was something that became present, as I over came being directly stalked by a date stalker!

However, realising I was being stalked again, somehow my belief system and practice wavered and did not seem to work, in the same way again.

My belief in the working of the law of attraction used to be strengthened by my attendance to the healing arts, and learning about faiths such as spiritualism. As I really appreciated what this community of people had to offer, and the principles they believed in, and tried to live by. 

As I found myself in the midst of a campaign of trickery, and competition with this faith. Which escalated to the point, it eventually affected my attendance at the healing arts, and the receiving of healing. It would take some years before I would would come into the full understanding as to  why my ability to attract change did not work for a while. Therefore, forcing me into forms of suffering, that would eventually become part of my enlightening, about those around me.

During this time I literally felt like I had opened a box of crystals, as I remembered  I could receive positive energy through hands on healing, by connecting with others.

Even though the opposite is always true, and I had heard of  such things like the dark arts, or even the occult and other secret societies, who probably  try and work in tandem with the healing arts. I  was not fully aware of the techniques, or ways of those who practices them! 

All I wanted to do in this area of my life, is remain connected to the good I had found. Use that to further develop a positive way of life, and remain aligned with what, and who was healthy and good for me!

Once downsizing to a new home became trouble, and that trouble was purposely taken unto my job, in the form of grooming. As trickery at work, continued to have an affect on my health and safety at work, grooming affecting the ability of others to communicate with me, and my defiance to that grooming adding to it all.  This onslaught on myself, and anyone else I came into contact with, eventually affected my very private, personal preferences to attend meetings, and sessions at the healing arts, and every other area of my life as parent, as hard, as I tried for it not too!

I felt like my life was pretty much over! I was emotionally and spiritually terrorised, by those who congregated  and using a unified covert,obvious pattern of secrecy.

Easily picked on because I had no financial capital. Easy to make it impossible for me to work, because I had been well researched.

 I was literally working on my future survival plan! 
Maybe for some becoming a parent is well planned!
They already have it all figured out!
How to break even from the cost of parenting!
They know how to put finances and plans into place!
If  you are  among the privileged to see your children become grown, and flee the nest!

Like so many maturing lone parents who raised children from unplanned circumstances. Once nest flee time comes, and you are emotionally getting over that particular of parenting time.  It maybe time to get back to building your individuality, if you feel like you have lost it. 

The road of discovery forward, or back to the person you were, or may have been before parenting. May include studying, or doing something else to increase, or better your  financial situation.  Or to be better prepared for a chance, and privilege to be a parent second time around, as a grandparent!

At this time in my life, I felt like the law of attraction was not working fairly. I wondered if it ever did. I felt something was missing, that law did not have the full package!

But.... it was working! 

As long as I was not prepared in life, and fell down under the pressure of trickery, and had not the full package of knowledge myself. It attracted the unwillingness of others to see, learn, or believe in what was happening. Which was not only affecting me, but many others. Once I was  further willing to take the blame for those  who set me up to take the fall. More  blame showed up, in what seemed like droves!

For years, I believed solely that what you put out in life, you get back!  
For years, I felt battered for what I put out that came back,  with failing health in tow too!

When stalking started again, admittedly I lost sight of how to maintain a good energy level  for a minute.  I became sucked into thoughts, and feelings that something else was holding me back, and stopping me from making the shift I wanted, to get out the mess. I could not thrive at the energy level  I was at, or manifest the pathway to the freedom!

This time the stalking was different.
The situation and behaviour had many more elements!
Initially,when stalked by a date turned stalker everything seem straight forward. One person was identified. I did not consider that this date may have been stalking me for a while prior to dating me.

 As stalking came down on my life again, as I began to realise a repeat pattern, I started  facing the truth that this pattern may have occurred more than once! 

I was told at the end of dating one guy, that his intention was to show up, make me fall in love with him, then ditch me, to deliberately hurt me. But his plan played out in reverse. Now years later, I was faced with another person that was not letting go, but this man had an application to join up and be a part of an institution of power and authority!

The elements of stalking that differed from more straightforward date stalker, became apparent once I saw a trophy stalking pattern, and worst yet realised after researching on the web, there was not a lot of reference to what I was experiencing. With the first instant being returning home, and finding things that resembled and identical to my belongings outside, or near my front door. The other was walking past the neighbour’s door -where the conflict was ongoing, and hearing something shouted out to the effect of the type of relationship I was in. Referring to the my style of relationships as being strange!

Realising I was going to need to take time out to sort out my relationship baggage was difficult enough. Being stalked, and having that stalker focusing on that area of relationships meant I was now dealing with a trophy dropping stalker, with the appearance of an intimacy seeking pattern, possibly set up for experimental purposes. Or genuinely, as part of someone suffering from the need to carry out revenge filled of antics.

I found at that time there was little understanding that stalking is not, an either, or situation. Dealing with the perceptions of some, that stalkers either seek revenge, or intimacy. Meant it would be an uphill struggle to bring attention to both patterns, and that more than both can work hand in hand!

Tears of sadness
Tears of laughter
can both hold 
the same level of pain!

Further personal contemplation and repeated points of view of  what a revenge stalker is!
A stalker seeking revenge may be stuck on trying to recover the moment a relationship, or a situation ended, and someone, or something has left their life. 

Stalking may then be triggered, by a person who does not have the capacity to accept, or deal with change in that moment. That triggers the law of attraction to connect to the energy of lack, and start creating with the energy feelings of loss. Due to the creative energy being in the area of loss, this then triggers that person to act on trying to reverse that moment, and undo the feelings of rejection, and loss. Which is kind of the same for the person trying to recover from being stalked. Except the one fleeing accepts that which cannot be unchanged, and what may, or has been irrevocably changed.  The stalker may remain forever trying to work against natural law. That action against, may attract everything else against. While the person fleeing, as their intention to be free becomes stronger, the law of attraction works to open up pathways for their intention, to open up pathways to freedom.

As the fight against what has changed, can leave the stalker feeling as if they were thrown out of their own personal sense of identity, and self-control. This person begins an onslaught of pursuing the person who was with them in that moment of loss. 

Essentially trying to retrieve that sense of self from that moment, that feeling of control, they thought they had. Thinking, feeling, and behaving as if they have the right of entitlement to the other person who was the rejecting party. Who they may consciously, or sub consciously, feel has part of their identity.

Possibly believing they will get that part of themselves back, if they can just get that person back in the relationship, or recreate that situation. Or, if they can change the circumstances that made everything go bad in the first place!

People with the capacity to accept change will just move on, and either find a therapist who will help them past that loss. If they do not have time right away, go find a regression therapist, and revisit that moment and work through it.  

Rejection is painful and is the same whether you are rejected, or the rejecter!

There is a period of adjustment and self- examination regardless, for anyone who has the capacity to accept change. It is a process in life everyone has to learn, from childhood upwards!  If you are lucky, you may have loving people around you, to support you as you learn the process. 

If you do not have that support, you grow into learning it on your own that emerging in health, or with addiction, or some kind of clinical incapacity!

Time heals! 
Time changes!

My personal experience of revenge with ‘recovery mode’ stalking did not just end with the experience of the date stalker. This was an element that came up in relation to previous employment, employers and co-workers,that I had moved on from. 

An individual I had very brief contact with on a professional level, only! Started hanging around the area of my new home. Someone, I had only worked with about three years previous to moving home. Who for whatever reason, started appearing in the vicinity of where I parked my car, on a street parallel to my home, at the time. 

The appearance of this man, seem threatening to me. In a very emotional, psychological, psychically-subtle yet terrorising, and controlling way!

This man then appeared on my job at least twice, the effect then was more trickery, banter, and fun for others in watching my reaction as I was demoted. This man also turned up in each location I have moved too, since he had first appeared. 

Moving into my current home, it took almost three months from viewing the property to actually access the property, and then almost three attempts to access the property with the correct set of keys to the property!

Law of attractions strikes in strange ways!

Moving into an existing community and it turning into trouble, as my presence goes down like serrated led! I decided to take further action, other than trying to resolve the issues via the official complaint process, which I was not best pleased I was put in a position to do! I decided to join a scheme to create an opportunity for me to swap my home with someone else.

I met with a lady who had a lovely split level property in a converted house. Both of us rented properties, in prime much sort after locations. Before the visitor left the viewing of my property, she read my palms. Telling me I had not yet meet the love of my life. Quite a typical reading for anyone single, and hardly news. We did not choose each other as swap partners eventually, this was someone having similar problems I was having, she was negotiating a strange relationship with some one who lived clean across the equator!

The corridors of the old building I lived in echoed, and always felt as though they were filled with buzzing nosey ears, watching from key holes. There were those who came and stood right next to my front door, waiting for me to emerge.  

The flats were not sound proofed! 

As this visitor left the viewing of my property, I could hear someone in the corridor saying; “At least she knows it is love”!

It seemed to me, the outcome of the visit was not only overheard. Given the style of stalking that was developing, I was suspicious it may have been pre planned.  Furthermore, as if by some bizarre coincidence, sometime after this visit regarding a home swap! My own child got a chance to spend a short time living, in the very same property! At the very same address! I went to view!

By now 
quite unintentionally!
 I had been afforded an insight
 into more 
stalking antics and  trickery 
Than I could of ever  asked for
 in one life time!


Hide and freak is not fun!

There is a list of stalking types easily researched on the web. As the law of attraction would have it, like attracts like, therefore if you have been stalked once, it is unfortunately more than likely you will be stalked again!

There is more to the experience of stalking, and to the styles employed by a stalker than is described in legal law. 

Often what is left unrecognised is the devastating effect it can immediately, or eventually have on a survivor. As the survivor, it can seem blatantly obvious what you are going through, but sadly that is often only to you. The effect should be the biggest tell tale. But it is has never been easy for any two different parties, to put themselves in each other's shoes!

For those who are faced with very unusual, maybe not archetypical stalking behaviours. It means there are those left brutally exposed to untold dangers!

There are folks who are really suffering unsupported, and that continues to cost a lot of life time, parenting time, friendships, relationships. 

This effects everyone, the stranger you may report to, and who may try and look into the matter. The one that brushes it all off, not realising the potential danger of the illness, or personality disorder-narcissism, or the stealth and ability to manipulate and recruit a stalker has, until it is maybe too late, and has already become a collective, on its way to cause collective damage!

It is an energy sapping, costly, exhausting thing to carry the illness of stalking in society, you feel alone while surviving, but you really are not!  

Stalkers, hackers, whistle blower pursuers, are all very good at operating just within the confines of law, making it very difficult to take any legal stance against them. Plus, a lot of people who find themselves being stalked, or targeted, do not want to be distracted, or stop their lives, to deal with someone creating senseless havoc!

Many survivors of stalking were metaphorically, just walking down the street. Minding their own business. Going to church, or out socially. Doing their job, or may have a profession which makes them more visible to others, than others are visible to them. These are folks that genuinely have no bad, or spiteful intentions, but may just grow out of being in love, in a short, or long term relationship. Of which moving on from may not be that easy, but is nothing more than one of life's natural progressions.  Which can happen as a smooth transition, providing there is not a jealous illness of the other party, or any other kind of right entitlement illness, or perception!

Knowledge of natural/neutral universal law remains the strength of many during stalking, and other abuses. Having knowledge and a sense of faith to continue to stay on the survival path in life. Like attracts like! So, to be the one that raises awareness, even if you do not get the support you may feel you need. To be the one to ask others to notice were healing is needed, rather than pursue the path of punishment, even if you are rightfully, and even lawfully entitled too. May just invoke the law of attraction in the most powerful, and compassionate way, creating more health, and increasing general wealth!

This only refers TO non-physical forms of stalking!
If you are in danger of attack you must call emergency services!

How I understand the seeker stalker!

People are as individual and different as a grain of sand, while all looking the same!

While I understand that black and white approach maybe the easiest way to condense the majority of stalking behaviour. They may omit other combinations such as;

When revenge and intimacy stalking, can remain under the surface, as a very carefully planned, and executed campaign of general activity. Very carefully, and very patiently contrived over a periods of many years!

This is something I became aware of while being stalked second time around!

The he/she is patient, it will keep, I can wait-threat!

When I overheard the' at least she knows it is love'  quip. About the style of relationships I might, or do prefer. Said with a baritone voice.  On top of the co-worker showing up.Which happened about four years away from the man who claimed he was supposed to make me fall in love with him, so he could dump, and hurt me! These experiences fuelled a warning, which then blew up into more years of the true origins, and motives of the stalking second time around. A puzzle was forming and unravelling.

 It broke the experience down into the way it had become bits of revenge, and about intimacy as a use of revenge. This meant to me, somebody was deliberately targeting me, and maybe not only me, but maybe my child too! Trying to set us up both to get hurt. In terms of the description of certain stalking behaviour patterns, this meant as a family, we were possibly being targeted intimately!

Need to take break!
back soon...
Little Ms Pimp!
Boxes and Paint!

Now back to more on ..........

The intimacy stalker;

This maybe someone who is not obviously violent in their stalking antics.
They may appear more like an appreciator of who you are.
They may be very gentle in nature, and even appear harmless.
Can easily go unnoticed.
Except, they may betray a level of persistence in something directed toward you.
They may come off as someone who just wants to take you on nice date, be your friend, understand you, it may even be someone who appears to just want to get to know you.
Console you even, knowing you have been going through a tough patch, or have had it rough in life generally. But with stalking elements, seeds, and undercurrents of control never far from being under the surface!
An intimacy stalker may mean you no harm.
Tell you it is nothing, everything is just a bit of fun. 
But they never stop trying to get your attention.
If you take things one step further and become in involved with them, things can explode, and can change really rapidly. All of a sudden someone meek and mild has a brutish temper. Further, bits of spiteful behaviour start seeping in. The subtle put downs, and then the guilt tripping is the real slam dunk!
Which may sound like this;
“Look at what I have done for you”!
“You were nothing till I started to look at you”!
“How could you not want to be with me”!
“Look at what I have been through for us to be together”!

Seeking Intimacy stalking.
Can seem like ultimate protection and the appearance of attraction,  with the appearance of  great potential for love, and a trap all at the same time!
Their intentions appear good!

They may believe, only they know what is best for you!
When it turns out that their behaviour eventually becomes oppressive!
Then if access to you changes, the need to see you turns into, I was worried about you, just needed to know you were  alright.

An excuse to continue to show up, or send someone to check on you, or to continue to have some type of control over your life!

Intimacy stalking maybe one of the easiest ways for stalking turning into, an all-out mobbing of one individual, because it can appear so caring, gaining popularity, and undying support coming from one person who makes it seem they just want to be in love, or are in love. As they stalk,  they start making it look like the person they are stalking is ungrateful toward their kindness, or toward kind people. 

The spite of the intimacy seeker, is that they can very easily make the person who is just walking down the road, look like they are the most, cold, and evil person in the world!

Intimacy stalking can include  scenarios between complete strangers pursuing, someone who is completely unaware of their attention toward them.  But knows they are being stalked by receiving anonymous letters, gifts, and whatever else, directly, or through someone else. Or because the general appearance of their life changes. The intimacy seeker will attempt leave some kind of calling card, or trophy. Because they are forever trying to let you know, or are convinced you need them to be there, or to know they are there!

It maybe the intimacy stalker, or stalkers may have worked on the survivors friends and family, before directly targeting them. Especially, if it is case of intimacy seeker, completely convinced you were meant to be together, and they have to do is,  controlling, and  organising everything set the ground for you just to walk into the situation, they have set up!

Some times with intimacy stalking, they do not become apparent until they make a direct move, though they have been watching you for years!

 That move can be to date you, to employ you, or just to engage you in some way or the other. This is not always about intimacy to date, this can be someone who thinks this is how to begin any type of relationship! 

Worst yet, it can come from somebody who is completely rich with a lot of influence, or poor with a lot of stealth and a particular skill for manipulating!

In each case the situation inevitably becomes oppressive, and restricting.

Though there are programmes that have been devised in communities to help those who are being stalked, it is my understanding that no ‘watch’ or ‘protective cover’ of an individual can begin, or be provided without the express consent of the individual who is being stalked, and if it is agreed, the individual  is to remain informed of the watch, at all times. If not informed, to the person being stalked, it will look like stalking!

This was never my personal experience, I was never approached nor did I ever agree to any such form of protection, or watching!

Intimacy and revenge stalking can work hand in hand. It can be equal in it's effects!.

I have had experiences mostly work related. As casual, and even as full time staff. When I was approached on more than one occasion by the type of people, who would  put upon me by claiming me as theirs, upon meeting for the first time, making it clear they would pursue me for intimacy, one claiming they always get what they wanted, comparing getting with me in the same way they worked to get themselves the best car, as though I was chattel! 

There is nothing flattering about a situation like that, and it is nothing to be vain about, it can cost dearly!

A similar thing happened to me a second time. Different location, and environment. For some reason, I took an instant dislike to this man, as the similar approached occurred. Again, my own defiant rejection of this person, as he pointed me out. Scared me, and the effects of this occurrence where long term!

Some people need to be told how great they are!
Some people grow out of needing to hear it!

 I have been fortunate in life that my internal dialogue!
Did not always resemble negative external dialogue!

I felt  strongly, there was something I should be doing stop attracting  the stalking experience upon myself. That something else needed to happen, for me to be getting on with my life. I recognised a style of mobbing to being stalked, and the trauma of dealing with disbelievers, meant I did not take or pursue an external source therapy! I no longer trusted the 'professionals, and I prefer to choose and lead a trustworthy life. Whether I liked it or not, I could see through those who wanted me for something else, other than for the true me! That is more pain than vain!

I felt, it is one thing for me to see others living and behaving in a certain way, but it is another something when it affects how I live, and behave every day. Or more truthfully, how I am not living fully every day, or behaving freely!

I made a new start. But the fullness of a new energy needed had not locked in, yet. Something else, and someone else, was locked into the new start that was still impeding to me! I was suspicious of a pattern from childhood. It felt like someone was saying 'you are so special I can crack up your life, and then be the one to put it back together again'!

Calling it all  down to the law of attraction, of like attracting like still was not entirely true!

Now living in another new area, I had worked near for many years, but had not lived in before, though this created a new space to begin again, or continue. There was still much to overcome. The organisation of incidences, and stalker play continued. Life still felt like the primary school bully waiting at the school exit gate, to beat you up!

However, I still could not find what I needed to fully articulate to my personal manifestation centre, that which would create the shift, I desired for myself, out of what seemed like a trap of like attract like, though everything was not entirely of my own making. I knew, I had a certain amount of responsibility, I had trusted and been betrayed- not always intentionally, and likewise had been trusted, and unintentionally betrayed. 

I eventually found it,
the missing peg. 
I set myself a project to expand my creative therapy, beyond poetry, journalling, painting.

I never felt I was a good listener! I had always been really good at absorbing negative energy. No longer feeling I could return to the healing arts centre, without me, or them being targeted. The area of absorbing in my life had become so obstructed. I realise there were places that need clearing, which my other techniques were not reaching. I did not want to pick up, with or on anyone trying to do distant healing with me...... who I did not want! 

I was aware I had become beyond highly sensitive. Especially, to all different levels of sound, this was something I was being targeted with, and for!

 As I love music, I began a process of opening myself up to observing my reaction, to different, notation, frequencies, and other sound waves, feeling how, and when my energy would change through a variety of sound. 

Furthermore, I was to learn to sit and listen to the wisdom of others, on subjects I had only previously read about, the law of attraction being the main one! To learn to concentrate better, something I am still working on.

I happened across two conversations, by different individuals on similar spiritual paths. One being more religious than the other.  Thinking along the lines of personal experience of being born into abuse, my life question was; how on earth does like attract like in the case of  children of abuse, when do they get a break to feel innocent?

After living in blame central. 
It maybe, that the answer I was looking for,  had previously presented itself to me while my self-awareness was on a different level. 

I needed to understand and absorbed it into my life, at the level I currently was at.

It finally sunk in when I listened to the wise words of an interview style of conversation online, when it was said, that they are things that are presented to you in life, by others!

It was real simple, after blame central heights, I needed real simple!

It was a relief to realise everything is not always yours, and that is recognised by neutral law. 

This is especially important, for survivors of any kind of abusive warfare! 

My understanding was further deepened and sealed, when I heard it said in a group style conversation, when it was explained by someone saying, that there was another natural law called; the law of attack!

In that moment I was able to begin on the path of closure, the shift I had long been looking for!

It was not about hearing what I wanted to hear. It was about finding a place for what was not mine! For the responsibility that was not mine, that needed a space, even if it could not go back to those it belonged too, because they had not the capacity to heal with it, or from it!

The law of attraction seems to kick in!
Once the law of attack is finished!

The law of attraction once again made sense. I could be friends with it again. I understood, that the law of attack can happen with no provocation. Sometimes, it is not always linked to blame. Because there is jealous and obsessive illness and a host of other things that fuel the law of attack. While this may seem very obvious to the ordinary person. When you have survived a history of abuse, when your formative years are skewered, and that responsibility remains with you to the grave and beyond, things like learning of such thing as the law of attack is big news, and that has nothing to do with self-pity at all. It all about feeling the norm.

Therefore, like starts attracting more to itself, when after you  have suffered an attack.  If you start to blame yourself, more blame will come in the form others to heap blame on you. If you get up strong, without defiance, but in the clarity, and strength of where responsibility lies. That will then attract areas of corrective justice. Regardless of those trying to point fingers away from themselves, and at you!

I feel it cannot be stated often enough, all the different natural/neutral, universal laws that exists, to all us folk who had to go in search of land, before we could build the track ,our lives needed to get started on. Some people do not come from just the other side of the tracks. Some have had to trash their way through life, trying to get from one bad station to the good.  

Just to survive sometimes, there appears to be no other choice than to take all the blame of others on yourself and keep, keeping on. Dropping down half dead, addicted, seeing no way but a life of crime to survive, because of living with a lot of other folks stuff!

If you live!
Then that is where the law of attraction starts working with whatever you are putting in, or putting out!

The effects of not being aware you did not bring everything into your life, or on yourself, is huge! 

It perpetuates the freedom of those who may well continue to abuse others! Who may even become powerful  and create a life, business, or even industry off  the abuse they got away with, while you did not know it was not all your fault! No doubt continuing to abuse others too. 

Too few listen to the ones who cry for help, which really equates to giving a heads up to where things in society need to change. The law of attraction can work here too. 

Society has long been geared toward predatory superior behaviour patterns of actions. Even though those behaviours cause abuse at times. 

These behaviours have long been clad and shrouded in disguises, of deliberate mystery, encircling forms of mental illness, disturbances, and disorders for economic reasons!

In surviving an abusive situation, instinctively it can become natural law to you, that superiority, authority, and power is abusive, which then creates a void, and vortex for defiance toward all that is, or resembles superior behaviour, be it in an individual, or a collective of individuals that form institutions, or industry’s!

Anyone can be proud of their cultural history!
The joint is to have compassion, recognition, understanding, and validation for the part of their roots, which hurt others!
Sometimes, that forgiveness means forgiving the different parts of your own history!
Inspired by my mixed heritage!
It is now nine years after I moved, and realised I was being targeted by stalking again. The experience has morphed, and dwarfed into much. I was advised to go out and get myself a boyfriend, as if men when we’re waiting on a shelf in a supermarket!

 When jealously is top agenda, it is not so easy  to allow somebody into your life, it can become even more dangerous for you, and for the other person. I did not feel it would be fair to use a man, to stop stalking from happening. For me, that would be a form of hatred, because who so ever you end up with, where jealously is involved. The person stalking you, will start on anyone new in your life. Not everybody can handle it, and do not want their friends, family, or community, dragged into such a mess, and that is not wrong! It is another thing that costs!

It cannot be stated enough the effects on those stalked. Sadly, at times  missed and little understood, especially in intimacy stalking, as someone can groom a whole community with, I really love this person, I want to help them,  or I am head hunting,  or they want to help you come out of your shell a bit.  Or it can turn out to be this, or that, if only she would do this, or that! Still a mash up of criticism on a person!!

A way that the law of attack may work, may not all ways occur in violent ways. I was in a company environment, happy go lucky, and bubbly, in conversation with a man much taller than myself. Just having a laugh typical work banter. Before I knew it, this man came down on me like a ton of bricks, sweeping me up into his arms, the next thing our tongues where on a spin cycle! I had no intention for this to happen, I do not even remember if he was even single or not, or if I ever learnt anything else about him, we did meet once outside work and never again.  As easy as that I could have become a target of a jealous, wife, girlfriend, mistress, or the target of revenge from his grown up children! Without intending too!

I have always mused about being a writer, and like many aspiring writers, you wonder if writing could ever be more than a whimsical reality! I came to recognise a personal challenge after taking an online test. Discovering I scored as having a tendency toward dyslexia. Something little understood in my formative years, my ability to learn and function depended for me, on  whether I was experiencing trauma, or not. True of most who do live with the effects of trauma for anything. I disliked having to read or interact with anyone within the learning process. When reading, I would often see words on the page no one else could see.  When writing, I would omit whole sentences, because my imagination and process of thought was a bit quick. For me it  was my personal trademark, the designers touch! 

As a teenager, I  remember being asked to read out in front of the class. Dread of the sloth. I managed to do so reading and jumbling the sentence, making it sound back to front!  While being convinced I had animated my acne, which had then departed from my forehead, and landed on the page in front of everyone!

Law of attack in intimacy of  the body - conscious humour!

I did not think I would be able to write more than I had already reported about stalking, and still be inspired to continue to learn more. 

At times, I have almost chastised myself for being stuck, constantly checking myself for having the right motive, for continuing to write about my experiences. My motive remains in the area of the self-examination process.
My life question continues to be, how can I heal? 

My motivation extends to being thankful  and grateful to all those whose blogs, books, songs,  and music that I have been touched, and inspired by. To people who have shared their lives, and put their experiences and themselves out there, for others to find.

For me to many people have lived, and died carrying the burdens that were not theirs at all to carry. I am beyond blessed, and fortune to find the healing and closure, I needed to move on.

Moving on is a moment to moment effort from stalking, because sometimes you have to find a way from abuse, stalking, or  a harassment campaign, even if it continues to be on going. It may never be over!

Life can become more deciphering than it would usually be, especially when the style is a mobbing.

What remains surreal to me, is the power of the creative, and curative process. It takes an open space, just a gap to attract healing relief from a situation that can be completely crippling! It can be almost impossible to see or feel a way out, and you need to be able to feel, and emotionally connected outside of the abuse. It takes emotional connection to be able to create, and manifest with the law of attraction. To bring a freer life to yourself. It is emotional connection that attracts!

Awareness of everything attracts  more attention to detail!

Part of the motivation of revenge of stalking was to label me as mentally ill! Consequently,  I became a witness to the stigma and abuse afforded  to those who are mentally vulnerable.  Which further highlighted to me the cruelty of the claimed sane! But on the other hand, within the housing system, not enough was done, or may still not being done to protect the lives of people who have to live, and interact with people who do experience severe mental incapacity. 

I became further inspired in the belief that awareness relating to the ‘seeking’ elements of stalking can be further detailed.

Further de cluttering of
 stalking by organising and labelling!
Additions and Musings of  the Seeking style of stalking!

Seeking intimacy!
Can include pursuing with no physical violence, but can include spiteful behaviours, emotional disturbing actions, be psychologically violent and spiritually depleting. Can also include the building up of a mystery for a big reveal, but can be the fore runner for mobbing, gang stalking and much more. Maybe one of the more subtle forms of stalking, but maybe the most patient and slowest in pace. Can further include the right of entitlement to the right of access, to personal property, the intimate seeker becomes convinced they will eventually become involved with. This can be on area of stalking the stalker is truly oblivious to their actions being harmful. Or for the need for clinical, or legal assistance for their behaviours to cease.

Seeking potential!
Pursuing, and pressuring a person not for who they are, but who they could, or might be. May include the grooming of everyone in that person’s life. A pretension toward offers that do not exist, fabrication and seduction toward celebrity by someone who has no connection to that area of industry. Can create an atmosphere of constant criticism, and be deliberately set up so a person will continue to be abused by criticism. This can be very possessive, and threatening, it can include family situations, somebody’s parent pursuing because they think you may be good for their son, or daughter. Appearing appreciative of how you may have managed to build a better life for yourself, an overcome. You can make us look good!

Seeking religious conversion, or surrender to compliance to any kind of group control!
This almost speaks for itself. It refers to constant harassing behaviour to get a person to act a certain way and to belong. An attempt to control pressure on a person to believe. Unwanted attention of evangelism. Moral criticism and attack on self-worth. Can appear as an invitation to be included in sections of society, while actually being excluding at the same time. Acceptable, and condoned forms of separatism. (It amazes me how a sermon can go from the pulpit straight into sexual preference of a supposed wrongable, when everybody is given an equal breath of life from the said same deity)

Seeking psychic awareness and information!
Physically pursuing someone in the belief that would create, or maintain psychic, telepathic, or some kind of false soul connection. Continues with the projection of psychic attachment. Concentration till sensation can be psychically violent and terrorising.  Can include penetrating of a person’s personal space to inject an item to maintain psychic connection, and be able to read a person, so they can somehow keep tabs on a targets whereabouts. Burglary not appearing as robbery! This can also include a pursuing because someone needs to use a technique beyond the five senses, because they become convinced you may communicate with higher or lower level powerful beings, and they need that information so they need to be around you! Or someone who believes that they have a right of entitlement to you, because they have taught you. Or need to heal you so they need to follow you to do just that. Or a stalker may pursue you to regain you as a customer.

Seeking justice!
Has a similar direction as revenge, but need not be so direct. It can describe someone who for no reason but for jealous revenge, and a sickness that has a need to enjoy seeing how people react when accused, possibly with a particular thrill toward accusing someone innocent, and feeding off that persons fear, with a narcissistic thrill for reaction and seeing humiliation and embarrassment. The narcissism can extend to a person just being stuck on the need for court action, and power play. Or even if you have committed wrong, will pursue you at a greater cost then the wrong committed. While taking a moral high ground, even while committing tantamount to the same wrong, if not the very same wrong, or worse. Therefore, a justice seeking stalker can create an unfair, unlawful abusive pursuing surveillance based style of stalking, which would allow your home, intimate and private parts of your life to be constantly under watch! Pursuing with a psychotic right of entitlement being justified to punish. Needing to see you live with no rights, or even privacy. Enjoying the effects of trauma, and watching, and how they can control your life, till it deteriorates to nothing. Punishment without use of the law. Could also include the need to constantly test a person. Again with this type of stalking may well be done just within the law. With deliberate use of the law, as blackmail! But this area of stalking can just include blackmail from someone convinced you owe them, while suffering from the right of entitlement to be paid.

Revenge stalking
This can be the most violent psychically, causing actual criminal damage and physical assault. A stalker filled with revenge, already too far gone to care about being caught, feeling they have nothing left, but to attack, can include rape in every form possible. This can be the area of; if I cannot have you, no one else can either! The most dangerous area. Fatally dangerous.


When it is invisible!
It is easily divisible!
Into so many things!
I created the above list because at one point I was told, that current legal laws did not include, or perceive certain areas of stalking. I was also told that the style of stalking I was experiencing may not have had its roots of origin in the UK.  When I mentioned the term ‘whistle blowing’ the term itself was not even known. Yet  this, and other  areas of crimes, may  include areas of stalking behaviour!

Watch it!
Feel it!
Grow from it!
Share it!


Experimenting with creative writing as a form of overcoming, what maybe an experience that will never have an end to it. Has been a risk worth taking! Poetry continues to be the way I heal deeply allowing me to connect everything I feel, I need to let go. Re-writing the experience in this way, including a lot of non creative text has been the greatest challenge. Non creative writing has a lot of energy at times, which is heavy and intense.

Curating from my pen sketch journal really lightens, and even helps to clear the intensity of energy. At times poetry was not created prior to the sketch, but was curated to help liberate the work being done, in the moment of writing. All of the sketches, were not created with the realisation they would be used for anything other than private use. As the intention of the work is to bring closure, the sketches serve that purpose, because they were created in the process of searching for the 'body' of energy that needs to be excavated!

Being in this type of therapy takes up a lot of time, other areas like reading, and answering mail, can get put to one side, it now time to return to my office space below.

The house of equals 2

At the longest addresses Ltd!
If You Ask Me Fulfilment Centre!
1560 All HEtt up islands!
 3rd on  Fly  Where are your horns going Studio!
93 All she has to do is:- Mews!
240 Tooth Shoe Village Foot Road!
29 Arrears no affairs street!
Pinstripe valley Avenue!
Shaken limbo with dimmed lights Industrial Estate!
5th on 2nd High pavement!
Just across the way!

Dear Fellowship of Lice and Fleas!
You are cordially invited to take a turn with me!
Through the streets of greed!
I promise you the comfort of a fool!
The luxury of the ignorant!
With ranting as the only form of communication!
Thank you!
The Left Wrongable of Please Decide to Rise!
Please send your reply to me at; lastnerve@fastasleepwitheyeswideopen.com

Dear Left Wrongable of Please Decide to Rise!
I would dearly love to join you for a turn!
A turnaround in life that is!
I have been married to the roots of defiance for such a long time!
I have travelled through the mean streets of greed!
I have manifested the comfort and reputation of fools!
I have been afforded the luxury of blindness to ignorance!
I know only too well the feelings, pain, circumstances and the type of people that create ranting and defiance as the only form of communication!
Thank you for contacting me!
However, even though I am in the painful process of attempting a divorce from defiance!
I believe I may have found a new path of;
Peaceful release!
Love happiness through knowledgeable inner vision!
The Fellowship of Lice and Fleas!
Temporarily located at the centre of personal ignorance!
There is a little known RULE known to some as the need to witness a reaction!
By any process adaptable to costing any and every one anything, to just create the reactive response!
At the psychic projected projection mission!
For no ordinary criminal’s!
To be over Seen by;  Sister Bernadette.

Mission; To unfurl a world of criminality who had created a campaign!
Take everything good and twist it, to create a sense of prosperity while costing everybody!
The theme to be recognised is; All we do is spend, spend, spend!
The world must decide to believe, or ignore!
To enrich or make poor!
We will inspire scenario after scenario!
Event after event!
It will take one agent to believe he would have the right never to be found out, and we will win over the crowd!
The campaign will take place at;
Right under their noses!
Right under their noses we make our claim to speak like they do:- to the dead!
He’ll go all the way!
The one with the head that is dressed all in white
No matter what we do, or produce, it will only be returned one way!
Unfounded claims!
For any refrain!
We cannot lose!
Those that participate will think like this;
We kid ourselves that we have all the right over people, in all the right places!
We are going to turn it around and put it all back in the other way!
The right to no rise is ours!
We will hold a party in blown square!
Complete with a look out, and in a frantic unit, to advise us of the desired hypnotised reaction!
 With cream and yellow hat and suits!
We parade ourselves like unfounded fools!
The cure less entity!
Beyond greed.
Beyond jealously!
Not wellness and not illness beyond any insatiable need!
The knowledge of what once was forbidden flesh!
A narcissist can still be aware, of being aware, of being a narcissist
But this is a pit encased in a body beyond all negative feed!

An interpretative sketch referring to the energy of the body of pain that the automatic writing process can bring out!
Where do I lay!
Better be ready to pray!
Some days I get up and I can!
Some days I get up and I can't!
But, I know I will always fulfil!

This is an unknown depth of fear and despair the 'Shidlon' effect that no one dear not be found in the truth of their own fear!
The 'Shidlon' to be within the lust and abuse of a child!
To follow that life and be in hate of the child’s adult life!
It is a fear!
The outfit must continue!
Everything we say must sound like ‘eases’ at the end of each word!
We break into it any way we can!
Slice it into the aura!
Fold ourselves into the soul layers!
Poke in all our information convincing ourselves it is theirs!
Make ourselves silly!
Till we do not see who could really see!
At first we will be new and exciting!
By the time they figure everything out!
We would be so far in we will know how everything has always been!
There has been a man that drives the big iron cat and releases the rat in front of the pursued woman!
Fear of the one running around like she is free!
After the stairs
Squeamish and young!
Go ask the nurse a question!
Open train view for everyone!
Cold as day, moments of worthless crazy!
Already joined up!
An over cover top!
High and not dry!
Shock because she does not want to be part of the flock!
Nearly blew out the feather!
Years in the wasp hut!
Bay windows and a presentation of music!
The link unseen!
Old nets!
The road in between!
The sweet shop and laundrette!
You have not found me yet!
You still don’t know!
Only the very stale to go!
It is all played out above board!
Keep a whole county in suggestion
The law of attraction will act as president!
Years of imaginary relationships projected into lust!
Some believe it and get married into it!
Others realise the pain it costs!
Mission Complete!

Baritone Voices!

 Aim to please!     The toilet!  You rest!
You Rust!

Do not pulmet me!
Collaboration -2015!

 Needlessly you say wait for thee!
Do thy fear!
Face your mare!
For what thou believeth is not there!
Created 27.01.2013
And unto thee great riches maybe!
Warmth and Reliance!
Gentle a movement of brushes!
An artistic tool you touch!
Like a gliding fish upon waters so clear!
A teacher comes as a student is prepared!
Created 08.03.2013!

Loud Child!
Cut lining....
Just wants to be free!
They roll up!
Speaking at speed!
Upon Tongues!
Minds from the Street!
The Small things add Up!
The loudest shout!
They are sending it in!
The Loudest sound!
Souls minds on the ground!
I have been waiting for this seal!
Since Two Thousand and Three!
We keep shouting it in!
"shut up already, this needs to be finished"
I looked down from the sky!
There was only one in the crowd!
I was sitting down!
They projected around!
Do Not Bring That Mind Behind me!
Electric Bloat Orchestra!
The stomach's Conniver!
Your mind is not behind me!
They keep sending it in!
All their information!
Even though I am not interested!
The sounds of tongue!
From the brain!
Collected by the hinge!
He had to return again!
The letter!

Natural Flowism!